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"THIS AND THAT" AND THAT...AND THAT AGAIN


Customers always spring discount coupons on you after you've totaled up the bill...during a rush...always on the weekends...when you would be busy anyway. (Be cheap onthe weeknights, please.)

When you gamble and don't bring cream with the coffee -- the customer wants it. If you do bring the cream -- it goes unused. (Customers conspire on that behalf.)

There is either no bread in the warming drawer or too much bread in it that hasn't been warmed yet...never the right amount.

The credit card approval machine takes forever at 9PM on Saturday night. (The whole country is charging dinners at that time.)

The cook that doesn't like you makes sure to put your food up late. You complain to the manager and he supports the cook. (Managers are always scared of the back of the house quitting during the shift.)

Every waiter picks at the french fries on the plate up in the window. (Like Bill Murray in "Tootsie")

When you have five tickets to ring up, the new waitress is in front of you trying to ring up...one coffee.

The salad plates in the freezer are either frozen together (and you are scared they will crack if you separate them) or are very hot, right from the dishwasher (and you are scared they will crack for some other reason due to physics).

The pantry guy making the salads mixes everything with his bare hands...really hairy hands...with extremely long finger nails...hands that haven't been washed since Christmas...of last year.

When there is the right amount of bread in the warming oven, it's usually already hard like hockey pucks from sitting there for an hour.

You have to go through atleast eight coffee mugs in the rack before you find one with only a slight bit of crud in it.

Halk the time you have to wrap something in tin foil you cut your finger on the teeth of the box...right before you have to cut lemons.


You finally sell a bottle of wine...and the restaurant is out of the label.


The table asks you to suggest a wine. Problem is Boones Farm is not on the wine list. (You lie anyway and make eye contact to see if they detect you are lying.)

The management keeps changing the machine you ring up on just as you finally learn the previous sytem.

All your voids occur during the rush when you can never get a manager with a key that allows you to void. Then he demands a full-page written report as to why you must void that item.

You ask the customers if they are done. They claim "we can't eat another bite. Take it away." You throw out the leftover food. You take their plates back to the dishwasher. You return to their table...and they ask where their doggie bag is.

You take the plate back to the kitchen to wrap the leftovers. You put the plate down. You leave it for one second to get the doggie bag. You return to the food...and it has been eaten.

Every person's name in the United States has a restaurant named after it.

Never order dessert at a restaurant that keeps its dessert in a revolving display. (Like "Mel's Diner")

Never trust the food in a place that uses hand-drawn signs and displays, especially in magic marker on gray cardboard.